I am absolutely stunned with what the NRA said today. More guns?!?! Police in school?!?! I am physically sick to my stomach, literally. I had hope that some kind of common sense would prevail today. I had hope that people would come before money. I had hope that peace would come before fear. I had hope that 20 dead children would bring this country to a place of peace, give us a wake up call. I cannot believe people would even think more guns is a solution, much less say it out loud, in public, on TV. I am sick.
The world did not end today, but mine is so dark. I am clinging to hope that there is a bright future. I can only see one through Jes. She has a bright future, and I will do whatever it takes to make sure I am around to see what happens. That is the only bright spot I can see, the only bright spot I can see anytime in my future, anywhere.
Maybe I do need some medical intervention, i.e. depression medication. John and I will have been married 12 years on the 23rd. He will have been dead for one year on the 20th of January. Daddy will have been dead for one year on March 14. Damn. DAMN!!!!!
I feel like typing on big long string of cuss words. Stop the world, I want to get off this ride.
I have been telling myself, the last couple of days, that I need to start writing again. Private writing. I need to get my thoughts straightened out. Barack Obama said in a interview not too long ago, that he writes because when you try to put your thoughts into complete sentences, you have to face the tough questions. You have to give things more thought. It is easy to just think. When the going gets hard, you just think about something else. But, when I try to write, somehow, it forces me to finish the thought.
I guess that is what I must do then. Write in my private journal. At the very least, start drawing and coloring again.
Stop the world, I want to get off.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
Comfortably Numb
I have spent the last month or so being "comfortably numb". That changed today with the news of the school shooting in Connecticut. I apparently still have anger issues, because I went off on Facebook, posting like crazy about it. I haven't been angry in a while, so I guess I am getting better.
I have had the blues the last couple of days. I really miss John. I remember missing him more on Jes' birthday than either his birthday or my own. I am really missing him with Christmas coming up. He was always there sharing in my Christmas ideas, being my sounding board. We talked for a couple of months about what to get Jes and we usually went shopping together to get something really good for her. This year, I can't even think what "big" present she should get. John was always better at that then me.
The summer before Daddy's cancer diagnosis, Jes and I went to visit, and I took one of the best pictures of him. It is one of the last ones any of us have of him when he was healthy and happy. I felt compelled to give everyone in my family a copy of this picture for Christmas this year. I told Betsy that I was doing it because I didn't want anybody to forget. But when that came out of my mouth, I realized how ridiculous that is. So I don't know why I feel the need to give everyone a copy. When I was in Louisiana, I went through a box of old pictures, and it was comforting in a weird sort of way, so I think I am trying to give that comfort to the rest of us. It is also my way of including Daddy in Christmas. Maybe it will bring up the conversation we seem to avoid having. I would love to talk about the good old times. I would love to talk about Daddy and John.
Sometimes bad news seems so overwhelming. It clouds out the good in the world. The good things are usually so fleeting, so small, they come and go almost unnoticed. But the bad news stays and stays. The world seems like a very ugly place full of very ugly people, and the ugly ones block my view of the good ones. And it seems like the good ones die in greater quantities. 27 people, including 18 children, and only one bad guy died. Two really good people in my life died, and the bad ones are still alive and kicking. Un-fucking-fair. And it makes for a very ugly world.
I have had the blues the last couple of days. I really miss John. I remember missing him more on Jes' birthday than either his birthday or my own. I am really missing him with Christmas coming up. He was always there sharing in my Christmas ideas, being my sounding board. We talked for a couple of months about what to get Jes and we usually went shopping together to get something really good for her. This year, I can't even think what "big" present she should get. John was always better at that then me.
The summer before Daddy's cancer diagnosis, Jes and I went to visit, and I took one of the best pictures of him. It is one of the last ones any of us have of him when he was healthy and happy. I felt compelled to give everyone in my family a copy of this picture for Christmas this year. I told Betsy that I was doing it because I didn't want anybody to forget. But when that came out of my mouth, I realized how ridiculous that is. So I don't know why I feel the need to give everyone a copy. When I was in Louisiana, I went through a box of old pictures, and it was comforting in a weird sort of way, so I think I am trying to give that comfort to the rest of us. It is also my way of including Daddy in Christmas. Maybe it will bring up the conversation we seem to avoid having. I would love to talk about the good old times. I would love to talk about Daddy and John.
Sometimes bad news seems so overwhelming. It clouds out the good in the world. The good things are usually so fleeting, so small, they come and go almost unnoticed. But the bad news stays and stays. The world seems like a very ugly place full of very ugly people, and the ugly ones block my view of the good ones. And it seems like the good ones die in greater quantities. 27 people, including 18 children, and only one bad guy died. Two really good people in my life died, and the bad ones are still alive and kicking. Un-fucking-fair. And it makes for a very ugly world.
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