Friday, December 21, 2012

I can't belive this

I am absolutely stunned with what the NRA said today. More guns?!?! Police in school?!?! I am physically sick to my stomach, literally. I had hope that some kind of common sense would prevail today. I had hope that people would come before money. I had hope that peace would come before fear. I had hope that 20 dead children would bring this country to a place of peace, give us a wake up call. I cannot believe people would even think more guns is a solution, much less say it out loud, in public, on TV. I am sick.

The world did not end today, but mine is so dark. I am clinging to hope that there is a bright future. I can only see one through Jes. She has a bright future, and I will do whatever it takes to make sure I am around to see what happens. That is the only bright spot I can see, the only bright spot I can see anytime in my future, anywhere.

Maybe I do need some medical intervention, i.e. depression medication. John and I will have been married 12 years on the 23rd. He will have been dead for one year on the 20th of January. Daddy will have been dead for one year on March 14. Damn. DAMN!!!!!

I feel like typing on big long string of cuss words. Stop the world, I want to get off this ride.

I have been telling myself, the last couple of days, that I need to start writing again. Private writing. I need to get my thoughts straightened out. Barack Obama said in a interview not too long ago, that he writes because when you try to put your thoughts into complete sentences, you have to face the tough questions. You have to give things more thought. It is easy to just think. When the going gets hard, you just think about something else. But, when I try to write, somehow, it forces me to finish the thought.

I guess that is what I must do then. Write in my private journal. At the very least, start drawing and coloring again.

Stop the world, I want to get off.

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