John's birthday

Today is John's birthday, and tomorrow will be nine months since his death. He would be 63 today. He would have been glad to have made it another year. We didn't really celebrate birthdays with gifts or even cakes, but we did acknowledge the milestone. On your birthday, you get to be king or queen for the day. Your wishes are granted (to the best of ones ability).

John's younger friends had begun to call him "old man". That bothered him a lot. He would say "I don't want to be old." I never thought of him as old, and I don't think he thought it either. He had began to think about what it would be like to retire, but that was it, began to think about it. We had also been thinking about our "bucket list." But the reason for that was because we finally had enough money to be able to do things on our bucket list, not because we were getting older. Going on a cruise was on our bucket list. John got to pick that vacation, and I was going to pick the next one. Then he got to pick the one after that.

During the exciting weeks leading up to the cruise, we were dreaming of how much fun we could have. We could really, truly relax. No driving, no cooking, no running errands. On a cruise, everything is done for you. The only responsibility you have is to enjoy and appreciate. And - we were going to get drunk and do Karaoke. Yep, let our hair down, get drunk, and play, make fools of ourselves, and enjoy the hell out of it. We talked about and practiced singing together. I pulled out my CD of the Rolling Stones hits. That is when I re-discovered the song Wild Horses. I played that song over and over and over and over.

When I am thinking about John, or when I want to "go there", to my sad place, that is the song I listen to. It makes me cry every time.

John is king for the day. I will spend the day thinking about him. That is all I can give him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhVLiHPUOIM