Where is it coming from?

I have been wracking my brain, trying to figure out what makes me so mad about religious people, and their perception of death.

I follow a Facebook page called Grief Beyond Belief. So many of the comments are about how mad it makes people when someone says things like "God's will", etc. It is very clear that it is not just me. This blog has really helped with my anger issues, but I am still not over it, so I will try once again to express it.

From my perspective, people that truly believe in God, and Jesus, really believe that there is a heaven. There really is a place dead people go. And they will get to see them again. Therefore, they can almost be happy about someone dying. How lucky the dead person is because he/she gets to meet Jesus. Lucky because they get to see their mothers and fathers again. They are not really dead, they are just in a place that we cannot communicate with them any longer.

Also, because it is "God's plan", there is nothing to feel sad about. God loves them, and will only do what is best. Do religious people feel guilty if they don't want their father to be dead? How do they reconcile their own wants? Is praying really comforting? Does it really ease the pain? In prayer, do you get to "give your pain to Jesus" so you no longer feel it? How in the hell can that possibly work?

Someone wrote that both of my grandmothers, as well as one grandfather were part of the "welcoming committee", and that gave her great comfort in light of Daddy's death. I can hardly say that sentence with a straight face. That is straight out of LaLa Land. There is absolutely no basis in reality in that statement. I just cannot understand having blind faith in something.

If we are such small inconsequential beings, why would God even bother to put us here? Just to fuck with us? Really? It reminds me of the Stephen King novel - Under the Dome. Just some big experiment. Are we really only pawns in the big game of life? I think not.

I think religious people cannot face the real pain. They can only look up, they cannot look inside of themselves. Because they are only looking up, towards heaven, they cannot see other people and their pain. That certainly seems to be the case in my life. If you really believe in Jesus, how can you not take other people's feelings into account. HOW?  I will admit that I have never read the Bible. I have tried, twice. I could never get past the chapter on so-and-so begate so-and-so, and on, and on, and on, for pages. I have always given it up at that point. But isn't one of the "lessons" is to "Love thy neighbor"? Doesn't that mean to take other people feelings into account? I try to do that. This particular religious person I'm thinking about is entitled to believe whatever/however she wants. No problem. I don't care how she handles Daddy's death. But I have asked her in the past to not preach to me. And she still continues to do it. I didn't ask her to stop believing. I simply told her I didn't want to hear it. But, she cannot help herself, I guess. All she can do is look up to heaven, and cannot see what she is doing to the people that are left here. 

The only comfort I can see in John and Daddy's death, is that is what is supposed to happen. Our bodies are finite things. They wear out. A human body will never last forever. End of.

I guess when I hear stuff about "God's plan", it feels like, me, as a person, doesn't even matter. If I don't matter, why am I even alive? Answer me that, please.

When Daddy was in the hospital, his wife convinced him it was time to die. (It wasn't. He still had the choice to fight and live even a few more months.) She has never been able to explain to us what exactly happened that made her think that. She is either not able to tell us, or not willing to tell us. So, I can only come to my own conclusions. I conclude that Daddy was going to be too sick. He was going to have to go to dialysis regularly for the little bit of time he had left. And that was too much for her. She was not going to be able to handle it, and because of that, and because she thinks he was going to heaven, she was ready to give him to Jesus to take care of. I am talking about a human being. She convinced her husband, a human being, to die, because it was going to be too much for her to take care of. Her husband, the "love of her life", my FATHER, was too much for her to take care of. She didn't ask us to take care of him. We would have. We would have given him the choice to fight and live a little longer, or choose to stop fighting. That is love.

I will never forgive her. Never. And because she is religious, I will never be religious. If that is what it means to "believe", I will never do it. I will NEVER knowingly convince someone to die.

I do believe that we are all just doing our best. She was only doing her best. When John died, I was doing my best. There are an unlimited number of things I would have done differently if I would have known what the end result was going to be. Daddy's wife was only doing her best. BUT, her best is so piss poor, it is astounding. Her best is so amazing low, it is incredible. Her best is so bad, I can't even believe it. I cannot believe that a person can be THAT weak and selfish. To me, those are the kind of people that need religion. They NEED it because they are so incompetent at being human.

Proof that there is no God - Daddy is dead and she is still alive.

I would love to write some of the stupid shit she said to us in the hospital. How she sat there at night, when we had all left, and talked to Daddy about how we were treating her. How bad we were treating her. I cannot go into that right now. I am trying to get rid of anger, and that only feeds it.

If you know "God" talk makes me mad, don't talk to me about "God". That is "ungod-ly." If you cannot talk to me without talking about "God", just don't talk to me at all. END OF!