I'm at a VERY low point today. I have a toothache, which meant I hardly slept at all last night. Tried to nap today, and I feel like every fiber of my being was clinched in my jaws. Now every tooth in my mouth is hurting. I wish I was a snake and could unhinge my lower jaw and stretch it out.
Today I watched the slide show of Daddy's ashes being spread. Calming and very painful at the same time. The summit of Mt. Ida has the biggest view I have ever seen. No wonder Daddy wanted to be spread there. It really does look like the top of the world. There was wildlife and wild flowers. Beautiful. Two pictures actually showed the ashes in the air as Larry threw them. Good bye Daddy. This is what he wanted and I am very grateful that Larry was the one to spread them. Perfect homage. I would post a picture, but that means I would have to look at them again and I can't do that right now.
I received a message from Daddy's sister yesterday. First of all, it was on my Facebook page One Less Victim. This is a non-profit company Daddy, Jes, and I started. Key word - company. Not personal, nor a hobby, but a state registered company. I have blocked her from Facebook because my anger flairs when I see her talking about Daddy and God. So, she cannot get a message to me on Facebook, without going through my One Less Victim page. However, she has my e-mail address, as well as my phone number. Since she is blocked, I cannot respond to her messages via Facebook.
This message talks about her mother, and my mother's mother being Daddy's "welcoming committee", and how strong they were, and how much they (my grandmother's) loved me. She said Daddy's birthday was still hard though. She also said she hoped this did not make me angry, but she was using this as her "mini-blog". There was nothing in her message about us, as far as how we are doing. No concern shown at all that we may have had a hard time that day. Her only concern is that her religion would make me mad. NO!! What makes me mad is the lack of sensitivity towards us. Fine, she is grieving her way. Fine, whatever she has to do. BUT, do we not count at all because we don't have the same belief? Why in the hell should I have to listen to how she handled Daddy's birthday, without one thought about us? WTF????? Shared grief has to be give and take. I'm not just here to listen to how other people feel. I need help too. DO NOT COME LOOKING TO ME FOR SYMPATHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You will not get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not able to freely give sympathy at this point. I may be able to in the future, because I have in the past. But at this time in my life, I do not have any sympathy for anyone that is one-sided. If I am not receiving sympathy, I am not giving it. You first!
On January 20 2012, my heart was shattered. On March 13, 2012, my broken heart was stomped on. If you are not giving me a hand up, a helping hand, I cannot reach you. I am doing every thing I can to pick myself up. Any additional weight is too much.
I do not know how to express this anger any other way. It sounds irrational, almost hysterical, super dramatic. I can't help it. I am trying to express it, but it feels like I can't express it. I cannot find the right words. Maybe there are so many words, and so many ways to express it, that I have to tell this over, and over, and over, in many different ways.
My knickers are in a twist.
ACKNOWLEDGE MY PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't imagine your pain, Suzy. I try but I feel inadequate because mine is so much less and somewhat self imposed. I miss John for you, I'm so proud of you for going on with things, I'm proud of you for being so articulate and for being a real person. I miss Daddy, I wish I could get them both back for you. I understand how you feel, and yes, you deserve to be able to tell this over and over and over and over.
ReplyDelete