Emotions

Well, I've been going through some emotions lately. Surprise, surprise. I don't even know where to start, so I guess I will try to just go in the order that they happened.

Driving back to Texas from Louisiana, MO, I always have my MP3 player in my ears. And I get to listen and think. I cried a lot on the drive. The most painful thought was why did these awful things happen to the team that was John and Suzy? How can so much bad luck happen to one couple? Why us? We are good people, why us? The worst bad thing is John dying. How can something so awful happen to him? He was "good people". Why did he have to die at the young age of 62? WHY? He didn't deserve that. How/why can one person have such bad luck? The second bad thing, that happened to Team John and Suzy, is the one that is left alone, me. Why? Why me? Why does this bad thing have to happen to me? Life is so fucking unfair!!! It is just so sad. John was "GOOD PEOPLE"! Why did this have to happen to us???? We were a team!!! Why break up a good team?

The opening ceremonies of the Olympics was also emotional since John is from England. Luckily, I got to go to England with John twice. I got to see where he grew up, where he played, where he fished, where he learned to drive, where he smoked cigs on the way to school, the bedroom he grew up in, the butcher shop next door. I got to see him spend quality time with his mother, I got to see him and his sisters together, I got to see his extended family gathered together. Thanks to Julie and John, (John's sister and brother-in-law) we got to spend a few days in London. I got to personally see most of the famous sights in London, the ones they like showing on television. I have been on a train, on the subway, on the "highways", on the local streets. I have seen Buckingham Palace, the Eye, that bridge that the Olympic rings are hanging from, the Shakespeare theater. I have been in the beautiful countryside, and in the House of Parliament, and in a 15th century church. I got to see and experience all of these things because of John and his loving family. John was born the year after the second London Olympics, and died the year of the third London Olympics. When Paul McCartney sang the first words of "Hey Jude", I lost it. I didn't even get to hear half of the song. During the whole show, I kept thinking how much fun it would have been to be watching this with John. How much he would have loved it. How proud he would have been of his home.

And yesterday was Daddy's birthday. We got a package in the mail from Daddy's friend Larry. Daddy had asked Larry to spread his ashes on the summit of Mt. Ida. On July 13, 2012, Larry did it. Larry was kind enough to send a written summary of the day, and of their friendship. He included a CD of pictures. I have read the beautiful writing, but haven't yet been able to look at the pictures. And since yesterday was Daddy's birthday, two pictures of him have shown up on my Facebook newsfeed. Although the pictures are great to look at, unfortunately, they are attached to his wife's page. I thought I was getting over my anger, but, I see her name, and can't even appreciate the pictures. I am so sorry that his memory is tainted by my anger. I don't know what to do about that. I wish I knew. I wish I could get passed the anger.

So, there you go. Poor little me.