Where is it coming from?

I have been wracking my brain, trying to figure out what makes me so mad about religious people, and their perception of death.

I follow a Facebook page called Grief Beyond Belief. So many of the comments are about how mad it makes people when someone says things like "God's will", etc. It is very clear that it is not just me. This blog has really helped with my anger issues, but I am still not over it, so I will try once again to express it.

From my perspective, people that truly believe in God, and Jesus, really believe that there is a heaven. There really is a place dead people go. And they will get to see them again. Therefore, they can almost be happy about someone dying. How lucky the dead person is because he/she gets to meet Jesus. Lucky because they get to see their mothers and fathers again. They are not really dead, they are just in a place that we cannot communicate with them any longer.

Also, because it is "God's plan", there is nothing to feel sad about. God loves them, and will only do what is best. Do religious people feel guilty if they don't want their father to be dead? How do they reconcile their own wants? Is praying really comforting? Does it really ease the pain? In prayer, do you get to "give your pain to Jesus" so you no longer feel it? How in the hell can that possibly work?

Someone wrote that both of my grandmothers, as well as one grandfather were part of the "welcoming committee", and that gave her great comfort in light of Daddy's death. I can hardly say that sentence with a straight face. That is straight out of LaLa Land. There is absolutely no basis in reality in that statement. I just cannot understand having blind faith in something.

If we are such small inconsequential beings, why would God even bother to put us here? Just to fuck with us? Really? It reminds me of the Stephen King novel - Under the Dome. Just some big experiment. Are we really only pawns in the big game of life? I think not.

I think religious people cannot face the real pain. They can only look up, they cannot look inside of themselves. Because they are only looking up, towards heaven, they cannot see other people and their pain. That certainly seems to be the case in my life. If you really believe in Jesus, how can you not take other people's feelings into account. HOW?  I will admit that I have never read the Bible. I have tried, twice. I could never get past the chapter on so-and-so begate so-and-so, and on, and on, and on, for pages. I have always given it up at that point. But isn't one of the "lessons" is to "Love thy neighbor"? Doesn't that mean to take other people feelings into account? I try to do that. This particular religious person I'm thinking about is entitled to believe whatever/however she wants. No problem. I don't care how she handles Daddy's death. But I have asked her in the past to not preach to me. And she still continues to do it. I didn't ask her to stop believing. I simply told her I didn't want to hear it. But, she cannot help herself, I guess. All she can do is look up to heaven, and cannot see what she is doing to the people that are left here. 

The only comfort I can see in John and Daddy's death, is that is what is supposed to happen. Our bodies are finite things. They wear out. A human body will never last forever. End of.

I guess when I hear stuff about "God's plan", it feels like, me, as a person, doesn't even matter. If I don't matter, why am I even alive? Answer me that, please.

When Daddy was in the hospital, his wife convinced him it was time to die. (It wasn't. He still had the choice to fight and live even a few more months.) She has never been able to explain to us what exactly happened that made her think that. She is either not able to tell us, or not willing to tell us. So, I can only come to my own conclusions. I conclude that Daddy was going to be too sick. He was going to have to go to dialysis regularly for the little bit of time he had left. And that was too much for her. She was not going to be able to handle it, and because of that, and because she thinks he was going to heaven, she was ready to give him to Jesus to take care of. I am talking about a human being. She convinced her husband, a human being, to die, because it was going to be too much for her to take care of. Her husband, the "love of her life", my FATHER, was too much for her to take care of. She didn't ask us to take care of him. We would have. We would have given him the choice to fight and live a little longer, or choose to stop fighting. That is love.

I will never forgive her. Never. And because she is religious, I will never be religious. If that is what it means to "believe", I will never do it. I will NEVER knowingly convince someone to die.

I do believe that we are all just doing our best. She was only doing her best. When John died, I was doing my best. There are an unlimited number of things I would have done differently if I would have known what the end result was going to be. Daddy's wife was only doing her best. BUT, her best is so piss poor, it is astounding. Her best is so amazing low, it is incredible. Her best is so bad, I can't even believe it. I cannot believe that a person can be THAT weak and selfish. To me, those are the kind of people that need religion. They NEED it because they are so incompetent at being human.

Proof that there is no God - Daddy is dead and she is still alive.

I would love to write some of the stupid shit she said to us in the hospital. How she sat there at night, when we had all left, and talked to Daddy about how we were treating her. How bad we were treating her. I cannot go into that right now. I am trying to get rid of anger, and that only feeds it.

If you know "God" talk makes me mad, don't talk to me about "God". That is "ungod-ly." If you cannot talk to me without talking about "God", just don't talk to me at all. END OF!

I can't even think of a title, I'm so mad.

I'm at a VERY low point today. I have a toothache, which meant I hardly slept at all last night. Tried to nap today, and I feel like every fiber of my being was clinched in my jaws. Now every tooth in my mouth is hurting. I wish I was a snake and could unhinge my lower jaw and stretch it out.

Today I watched the slide show of Daddy's ashes being spread. Calming and very painful at the same time. The summit of Mt. Ida has the biggest view I have ever seen. No wonder Daddy wanted to be spread there. It really does look like the top of the world. There was wildlife and wild flowers. Beautiful. Two pictures actually showed the ashes in the air as Larry threw them. Good bye Daddy. This is what he wanted and I am very grateful that Larry was the one to spread them. Perfect homage. I would post a picture, but that means I would have to look at them again and I can't do that right now.

I received a message from Daddy's sister yesterday. First of all, it was on my Facebook page One Less Victim. This is a non-profit company Daddy, Jes, and I started. Key word - company. Not personal, nor a hobby, but a state registered company. I have blocked her from Facebook because my anger flairs when I see her talking about Daddy and God. So, she cannot get a message to me on Facebook, without going through my One Less Victim page. However, she has my e-mail address, as well as my phone number. Since she is blocked, I cannot respond to her messages via Facebook.

This message talks about her mother, and my mother's mother being Daddy's "welcoming committee", and how strong they were, and how much they (my grandmother's) loved me. She said Daddy's birthday was still hard though. She also said she hoped this did not make me angry, but she was using this as her "mini-blog".  There was nothing in her message about us, as far as how we are doing. No concern shown at all that we may have had a hard time that day. Her only concern is that her religion would make me mad. NO!! What makes me mad is the lack of sensitivity towards us. Fine, she is grieving her way. Fine, whatever she has to do. BUT, do we not count at all because we don't have the same belief? Why in the hell should I have to listen to how she handled Daddy's birthday, without one thought about us? WTF????? Shared grief has to be give and take. I'm not just here to listen to how other people feel. I need help too. DO NOT COME LOOKING TO ME FOR SYMPATHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You will not get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not able to freely give sympathy at this point. I may be able to in the future, because I have in the past. But at this time in my life, I do not have any sympathy for anyone that is one-sided. If I am not receiving sympathy, I am not giving it. You first!

On January 20 2012, my heart was shattered. On March 13, 2012, my broken heart was stomped on. If you are not giving me a  hand up, a helping hand, I cannot reach you. I am doing every thing I can to pick myself up. Any additional weight is too much.

I do not know how to express this anger any other way. It sounds irrational, almost hysterical, super dramatic. I can't help it. I am trying to express it, but it feels like I can't express it. I cannot find the right words. Maybe there are so many words, and so many ways to express it, that I have to tell this over, and over, and over, in many different ways.

My knickers are in a twist.

ACKNOWLEDGE MY PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emotions

Well, I've been going through some emotions lately. Surprise, surprise. I don't even know where to start, so I guess I will try to just go in the order that they happened.

Driving back to Texas from Louisiana, MO, I always have my MP3 player in my ears. And I get to listen and think. I cried a lot on the drive. The most painful thought was why did these awful things happen to the team that was John and Suzy? How can so much bad luck happen to one couple? Why us? We are good people, why us? The worst bad thing is John dying. How can something so awful happen to him? He was "good people". Why did he have to die at the young age of 62? WHY? He didn't deserve that. How/why can one person have such bad luck? The second bad thing, that happened to Team John and Suzy, is the one that is left alone, me. Why? Why me? Why does this bad thing have to happen to me? Life is so fucking unfair!!! It is just so sad. John was "GOOD PEOPLE"! Why did this have to happen to us???? We were a team!!! Why break up a good team?

The opening ceremonies of the Olympics was also emotional since John is from England. Luckily, I got to go to England with John twice. I got to see where he grew up, where he played, where he fished, where he learned to drive, where he smoked cigs on the way to school, the bedroom he grew up in, the butcher shop next door. I got to see him spend quality time with his mother, I got to see him and his sisters together, I got to see his extended family gathered together. Thanks to Julie and John, (John's sister and brother-in-law) we got to spend a few days in London. I got to personally see most of the famous sights in London, the ones they like showing on television. I have been on a train, on the subway, on the "highways", on the local streets. I have seen Buckingham Palace, the Eye, that bridge that the Olympic rings are hanging from, the Shakespeare theater. I have been in the beautiful countryside, and in the House of Parliament, and in a 15th century church. I got to see and experience all of these things because of John and his loving family. John was born the year after the second London Olympics, and died the year of the third London Olympics. When Paul McCartney sang the first words of "Hey Jude", I lost it. I didn't even get to hear half of the song. During the whole show, I kept thinking how much fun it would have been to be watching this with John. How much he would have loved it. How proud he would have been of his home.

And yesterday was Daddy's birthday. We got a package in the mail from Daddy's friend Larry. Daddy had asked Larry to spread his ashes on the summit of Mt. Ida. On July 13, 2012, Larry did it. Larry was kind enough to send a written summary of the day, and of their friendship. He included a CD of pictures. I have read the beautiful writing, but haven't yet been able to look at the pictures. And since yesterday was Daddy's birthday, two pictures of him have shown up on my Facebook newsfeed. Although the pictures are great to look at, unfortunately, they are attached to his wife's page. I thought I was getting over my anger, but, I see her name, and can't even appreciate the pictures. I am so sorry that his memory is tainted by my anger. I don't know what to do about that. I wish I knew. I wish I could get passed the anger.

So, there you go. Poor little me.