Anger Football

My anger is like a football. My family and I pass the football around and around. I feel like, if I can pass the ball to other people, maybe I can get rid of it. I tried and tried. One of Daddy's friends helped a little. She took my insults, cussing, my caps lock messaging (with exclamation marks). She took them repeatedly, and kept talking with me. I finally heard something that helped.

My aunt, on the other hand, didn't. We tried and tried with her, too. She didn't listen. She dropped the ball, and we had to pick it up again. This is our aunt. Our Dad's sister. You would think she would have listened and helped. She lived through the same thing we did. Why does she see it in such a different way than we do? Our/my anger only got worse. The football got dirty.

I finally got to tell the whole story of why I was so angry. I told it to my grief counselor. Finally, someone understood. What a relief. She understood and listened. She was not uncomfortable with anger. She understood. She also validated it. Our/my anger IS justified. Wow. I have been trying to tell people that since Daddy died.

Renee, my counselor, went through the same thing we did when her mom died. She was minimized, disrespected, told to "get over it". Her feelings were "diminished". That was her description of what happened to her. She didn't have anyone to listen either, except her husband, her sister, and her brother-in-law. No one would listen to their anger either. They passed the anger football around and around as well.

The way she described her experience was so in line with ours. I asked her "So, ya'll just passed the football between yourselves until it fell apart? Till there was nothing left to pass around?" She said, "Yes". The football slowly fell apart. The leather started thinning, the air leaked out. All that was left were the "ties that bind." You can't pass around a ball like that.

One day, our anger football will fall apart. It will.

Anyway, Renee liked my football analogy and asked if she can use it in the future. She is the one that gave me the popcorn analogy. She gave me another analogy about taking the top off of a soda that you just shook up, too. But, that is for another post.

I know that anger is very uncomfortable for people who don't share your anger. You just want them to not be angry anymore. I remember John calling me, from the road, being very angry at his boss/job/other drivers, etc. All I would want for him, is to let it go. It was only hurting him. But, I let him vent. I listened. I understood. That is what grieving people need. We need people to listen. We don't need advice. We don't need to "get over it". We need to get through it. Not over, under, around. But through it. We need people to listen. Just listen.