Dear Daddy

I have been told a few times that a helpful exercise is to write a letter to my lost loved one. I should tell them everything I would want to say if they were still alive. The next step in the exercise is to write a letter from them, to me. What? How am I suppose to do that? That is why I haven't really done it yet. I can't wrap my mind around the letter John and Daddy would write to me. Too fucking painful to even think about. Can't go there. No way. No how.

I have "talked" to them both in my private journal. It is like talking to myself though. Helpful sometimes, but not usually.

I apparently am still having very serious anger issues. I almost went off on the postal worker today. I didn't because I really like her. She is the nicest postal worker we have in this little town. Anyway, my anger de-railed me for hours. I went back to bed. Tossed. Turned. Slept a little. I didn't want it to ruin my whole day because I had things that needed to get done. Today was not the day to stay in bed. I worked through it with a lot of help from Betsy and Jes.

I pulled myself together and got the lawn mower started. (You know how hard that is when it hasn't been started all year?) While I was mowing the grass, I was writing a mental letter to Daddy. Before I knew it, the yard was almost done. Go me.

And then I started thinking about what Daddy would say to me. What he would have to say about what I want to tell him. I want to tell him all of my pain and anger. I picture him listening, then giving me a big Daddy hug, and kissing the top of my head, saying Wow, thanks for telling me that. Then he would tell me what he really thought. He would try his very best to get me to understand his side of the story. And I would listen, and I would cry. And he would cry.

I still cannot figure out what he would say to get me to understand his side of the story. I'm not there yet. I don't even want to go there yet. I just want to tell my side. I'm too mad to listen to his side.

Unfortunately, this thought - Daddy wouldn't want you to act like this - is in my head. I know he wouldn't. That is why I never told him this stuff when he was alive. I had way to much respect for him and his feelings. But, and it's a big one, he is dead. I wouldn't feel this bad if he was alive. I wouldn't be acting like this if he was alive. He is dead and cannot tell me I am wrong.

So, all of you people that don't want to hear this. Everyone that is not comfortable with anger. Everyone that is not comfortable with death. Everyone that just wants me to feel better. Everyone that doesn't know what to say. Everyone that wants to bury their head in the sand. .... It hurts.....