Thursday, May 10, 2012

Blank pages

Blank pages of a journal. I have been told a healthy "grief" exercise is to write in a journal. It helps the left and right sides of the brain build healthy connections. I sure need some of those. I have been writing in a journal, but the problem is, it is private. I don't get to give anything away. I have to keep it all for myself. It is helpful, but only to a certain extent.

I am having serious anger issues. Keeping them to myself is not helping. I need to give it away. I need real, live people to receive it, empathize, sympathize, understand, listen, absorb, learn, accept, but most importantly, I need help. I need feedback. Please give thoughtful feedback.

This club/circle, whatever, of people who have lost a close loved-one, is very hard to understand if you are not in it. Please don't give me cliche's, i.e. "they are in a better place", "you are angry and need someone to blame."  That shit is sooooo not helpful. (Excuse my language. Warning: it will be used frequently.) If you don't know what to say, try "that sucks", or that fucking sucks. Or, "I hear you", or "keep on keeping on", "or hang in there".  If you can relate to what I am saying, GREAT! I would love to hear your stories! I would love to hear your experiences. That is helpful.

The best piece of advice I have gotten was from the lady that runs the Facebook page  - Grief Beyond Belief. She said sometimes anger spurs you into action. And she was right. I got into counseling because of my anger. I meet with a counselor one-on-one. And I go to a grief support group. I am trying. I am hoping this "phase" doesn't last long. I don't get a "break" from it. This is day three of no good, terrible, horrible, very bad days. I don't get to "back away".

John and Daddy are dead. Nothing will ever change that. That is with me every second of every day.

2 comments:

  1. I'm with you every second of the day, too, Suzy. You are doing the best you can to get through something almost indescribable. It ALL sucks and it sucks every day. It will suck for a very long time. We won't be able to go through a whole day or even a whole hour without thinking of either John or Daddy for a long time. I miss Daddy, I wish John was here for you, I wish we were magic and could either bring them back or make this go away. All we can do is this for now, 15 minutes at a time or an hour at a time.

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  2. Magic - if only we could perform magic.

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