Four months ago, today, was the worst possible day.
What can I say about it? How much I miss John? How much John has missed? How do I get used to my "new normal"? What is going to happen next? Etc, etc, etc......
Grief has been described as a bag of popcorn in the microwave. Your thoughts just pop. Pop, pop, pop. Eventually they will settle down and quit popping. It may be a protective thing. I cannot focus on one thought. How much I miss John? That is way too sad to even think about. I don't want to go there right now. How much has John missed? That is even more painful. How do I get used to my "new normal"? Good freaking question. No answer for that one. May as well not even think about it. What is going to happen next? Well, I hope it is good, but still afraid of a bad thing happening.
Pop, pop, pop.
I started this blog entry with the intent of thinking about John. Honoring his memory. But, pop, pop, pop, I can't focus on anything.
Pop, pop, pop.....
I will finish with this thought. WTF am I supposed to do?
I think you're supposed to go 5 minutes at a time, 15 minutes at a time, an hour at a time. This is all too big--we can't get away from it, we can't even really know how you feel. I can get an idea, but I never stood in a hospital room while a doctor told me my husband was dead. I'm practicing listening and I love you.
ReplyDeletePop. Pop. Pop. It goes in my head. Its close to 3 years for me and it's only beginning to settle down. She still pops in my dreams, almost every day. I hope the dream-popping never settles, or how else will I see her again? My dreams are sad and something terrible haunts them, but at least she is there and I can touch her...sometimes.
ReplyDeleteSo, how is one supposed to go on? What is one supposed to do?
Three years and all I have to offer is: You learn to put a rock on your heart.
That's too hard you say. Why go on at all?
The reason you go on, is because that is the only way they go on; in your memories, in your thoughts, in your dreams, in the popping, in the love that never dies.