"You are angry and need someone to blame."
No, I do not need someone to blame. I already have something or someone to blame.
I blame CANCER.
I blame Disease.
I blame nature. If you are not a vampire or werewolf, you die.
I blame the cruise line.
I blame myself for going on that cruise. I blame myself for eating on the cruise. I blame myself for not taking John to the hospital. I blame myself for not doing the right thing. I blame myself for not knowing what he was going through was going to kill him. The list goes on and on and on and on.
I blame myself for not helping Daddy. I blame myself for not being there.
There you go. I don't blame any person but myself.
I blame "things", not any other person, but myself.
My advice, don't ever tell any grieving person that they need someone to blame. Unless their loved one was a crime victim, there is no one to blame.
And yes, I am angry. If you can't accept the fact that I am angry, fuck you. Your problem, not mine. Get out of my business. Get out of my life.
My niece and I talked about this after my parents' deaths. We both felt like people pushed us to feel better before we could, before we were ready. It was like other people needed us to not be angry, not be grieving, not express pain, because it was too hard for them to watch. I felt like I was supposed to hurry up and feel better so it would be easier for everyone who didn't suffer a huge loss, so they would not have to think about how that would feel. I felt that way with a lot of religious poeple too -- they needed me to agree with them that it was God's will or Mom and Dad were in a better place because if I didn't agree, that made them uncertain about their own faith. I wanted to yell at them that it wasn't my job to shore up their beliefs, I had all I could do to get through the next few minutes. Blame, that is very hard, too. For years I was afraid I'd done the wrong thing by agreeing to stop treating my dad, even though he reached the point where it seemed clear all it was doing was putting him through more suffering. But still I blamed myself for not trying something else, trying harder. I wish I had some help to offer on getting through that, on living with it. I eventually focused a little less on blame and anger and more on other things, but it took a long time.
ReplyDeleteThank you Lisa. I'm sorry if this brings up bad memories for you. Your comments are very helpful. I wish I could hurry up and "get over it". Again, your comments are very helpful. You are showing me the light at the end of the tunnel.
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