Today is my daughter's birthday. I was having a really good, happy day, wrapping presents, chatting with Jes, eating birthday cake. I went outside to smoke, and my angry feelings just popped into my head. I told myself to just ignore them, and continue to have a happy day. But, I decided to write about it instead. That is, after all, why I started blogging in the first place.
In this month alone, my sister had a birthday, my niece and I shared a birthday, Father's Day has passed, and today is the fourth day of birth for one of my family members. Or should I say one of Daddy's family members, close family members.
Not a single one of us has heard a peep from either Daddy's wife, or his sister. Now, I'm thinking to myself, "you are fucking pissed at them anyway, what do you expect?". I guess I expect them to be adults and at least try to have a relationship with us. Some explanation of what they are/were thinking would be ideal. At what point did Stacy decide that all she could hear the doctors say was that Larry was dying? You know that is a decision you make either consciously or unconsciously. What made her think that is what the doctors were saying? I don't care if it was fear or what, at least talk to us about it! Shit, I can't even think what to say now. I'm so fucking pissed off at her.
Okay. I will try again. I am going to pretend I am talking to Stacy. What was happening to you? Why was the only thing you were able to hear was "Larry is dying"? Why, Stacy? Was it fear? Did your fear over-ride the ability to, at the very least, be a decent human being, much less a loving wife? Are you that weak and frankly, stupid, that all you can think about is yourself? When your husband, "the love of your life", is battling cancer. Did you not give one little shit about him? Oh my god, you are such a waste of oxygen. Since you will not talk to me, and at least attempt to explain your side, all I can do is assume I am right. You are a very weak, selfish, stupid human being. I can't even believe Daddy married you. At what point did he realize how shallow you are? Was it too late by then?
And another thing, Stacy, the Jesus lover. Why, if "God" needs another angel, did he have to "take" Daddy? Why couldn't he leave him here with us and take your sorry ass instead? You will really help the atheist's beliefs in no God. You are such a fucking hypocrite, you make the whole religious community look bad. God, my ass. IF there is a god, and we do all go to "heaven", I'm pretty damn sure I will be seeing you in hell. Stupid and ignorant is no excuse.
Ok, I got that off my chest. Those were some really harsh words. I am going to publish this. It may make me look equally stupid and ignorant, but, I wrote what I was feeling. If I don't get to say it, I will never be able to let those feelings go. So, here it goes. Out to the internet, never to be taken back. Unlike "someone else I know", I don't have much fear left. I still have a lot to lose, a lot of people I could lose, but I lost two very important people and have managed to live through it.
Thank you for listening.
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