Connected-ness

Daddy liked to read self-help books, and when he found one he particularly liked, he would share a copy with everyone he felt was open to it. He shared one with us that was about a person's "traits." His first "trait" was called connectivity. One of the examples he gave us to explain that was when he saw a person throw trash out of their car window. It angered him thinking about how that person did not even think about the person that had to pick up that trash, or the other people that had to look at it. In his professional life, he was always thinking about ways to connect businesses to other businesses. At the school district where he worked, he was in the transportation department, but he set up a program that allowed churches to rent unused school buildings - connected-ness.

I was thinking about my earlier post about peeking ahead and behind, which led me to think about Daddy, which lead me to think about his involvement in One Less Victim. (For those of you who don't know, Daddy, Jes, and I started a non-profit company to help with prevention of sexual and/or domestic abuse, called One Less Victim.) Connected-ness. So, by looking behind at Daddy, I am able to look forward at One Less Victim. This doesn't sound like the same type of connected-ness that Daddy used, but it rings a bell to me. Because John died, I have more free time. I have been able to use some of that free time to work on OLV more. John and Daddy are connected.

This is also connected to another thought I had about looking behind and ahead. By looking at the past, I can look at the future, or the other way around. When I look at my future, John and Daddy are going to have something to do with it. John, because he is gone from my life, and Daddy because he helped me start OLV. Connected-ness.

When I think about the future, I think about the post in which I asked how am I supposed to look at the future, that it was scary looking there. The best advice I got, was that I need to have a future and experience things because John and Daddy no longer get to. That thought takes away some of the guilt and gives a reason. Which leads me to think about the post I did about balance. I do feel more steady now. I am able to drop one of the negative juggling balls and get better balance.

I also think about the post about the popcorn. How thoughts just seem to pop, pop, pop. Well, they still do, but they are staying around long enough for me to at least get them written down.

Which leads me to think about why I started this blog in the first place. Which was to work my through grief.  I think this blog has really helped me. I can see that I am a lot better than I was, emotionally. I have moved past anger, I have moved past obstacles (mowing the f...ing grass), and I am able to look at and talk about John and Daddy with less pain.

So, the future and the past are connected, and my blog posts are connected. Connected-ness.