No one has to grieve alone.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/no-one-has-be-alone/201204/no-one-has-grieve-alone

This article was written by Lani Leary Ph.D., for Psychology Today, on April 24, 2012.

The subtitle - Validation is the key to resolving grief.

Yes! This is part of why I write this blog. I need to talk about it, about everything, about anger, about John, about Daddy, about myself. And I need people to listen.

"The key to resolving your grief is for someone to validate your feelings. To resolve means to settle, to work out, or to find meaning. It does not mean to erase, or to end."

" The great healer of your grief is validation, not time. All grief needs to be blessed. In order to be blessed, it must be heard. Someone must be present, someone who is willing to “hold” it by listening without judgment or comparison." This is part of why grief counseling works. One-on-one and group therapy. They/we are there to listen. Everyone gets a turn to talk, without interruption. They/we listen, and understand. Just listen, and nod your head, like you understand what they are saying. If you don't understand, try.

"The bereaved need:
. To be cared for through a sense of presence, permission, patience, predictability, and perseverance.
. To have their feelings acknowledged and their loved one remembered.
. To have their feelings and needs normalized.
. To be heard.
. To be seen and acknowledged."

I think this is part of what I was/am so angry about. The people that were hurting us (Daddy's wife and sister), didn't care, didn't know what they were doing, wouldn't listen, couldn't hear.  I felt like I had to keep bitching, cussing, being mean, just to get them to acknowledge me or even to acknowledge our loss, our pain. I wrote a lot of blog posts about it, I posted a lot of anger postings on Facebook. I had an argument with a "friend" of Daddy's. She finally said "Larry was my friend". Finally, someone was talking about Daddy. Just Daddy. Not how she was feeling, or what Daddy's wife was going through. (I could care fucking less what she is going through, frankly.) I wrote a nine page story about what happened. Kind of a step four in AA. Another of friend of Daddy's said I could give it to her. She said she would understand. Well, I sent it to her, and I have not heard anything from her since. Nothing. No validation there. I have tried to just stop. My anger will never be resolved. I just have to let it go. My anger will probaby not ever be "settled, worked out, or any meaning found. It will also never be "erased" and will probably never end. I do not see a time when I will ever forgive either one of them. Ever.

"How can we help the bereaved?" Answer - "We can learn what it means to follow the pace of the bereaved; to listen without trying to "fix"; and to give the bereaved our undivided attention without interjecting our own story."
 

"Validation is a standard of care and an action that we can implement. Validation sounds like

• supporting the bereaved's perspective;
• listening "between the lines" for what is and is not said;
• listening for symbolic language and what it means to the person;
• asking open-ended questions;
• clarifying what you have heard; and
• asking to hear their story as many times as they want to tell it.

Validation looks like

• direct eye contact;
• gestures of affirmation such as nodding;
• appropriate gentle touch; and
• a posture of leaning toward, rather than away, from the bereaved."

 I didn't mean to copy almost the whole story. But so much of it says so much to me. This is what grieving people need. Grief will not just go away by itself. We can do it alone, or we can have help. Grief will get done at some point. It has lots of patience, it will wait forever. But, it has to be done. We have to go through it, not over, not under, not around, but through.

I will finish with this quote ..
 "You deserve a hundred opportunities to tell the story of love remembered and a person honored."