I feel stronger, more hopeful, less sad. I have been living the last few days "in the moment", not looking ahead, or behind. It is scary looking ahead, and sad looking behind. But I will admit, it is not as scary or as sad as it was even a week ago. Here is where the guilt comes in. Have I paid enough homage? Have I cried enough? Is my grief going too quickly? Am I not doing it right? I don't have the answers for those questions.
Neither John nor Daddy would want me to be sad. I know this. When they died, there were two giant holes in my life. I think the scab is beginning to form over those holes. I have to be careful, too. I don't want to go back to the "dark place". But, I know I will have to revisit that place sometime. If only to find out the holes are not as deep as they were.
I need some help here. How do you get over feeling guilty that you are still alive? How do you get over feeling guilty that you have a future? It is so weird that in my belief, when you die, that's it. John and Daddy are done with this human experience. They cannot communicate with us. They are not waiting in heaven. I will never see them again. Why do I keep thinking they would be disappointed in me? That I haven't grieved enough? At the same time, knowing they are gone, they can't be disappointed.
For now, I'm going to try to stick my head back in the sand, try to continue to live in the moment. But, I will not forget. I will not forget them, I will not forget that I lost them. I will move forward, for now. But I will not be afraid to look behind either.
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I just did a "preview" of the posting and realized I am afraid to look behind. And I am afraid to look ahead. I'm going to put my blinders back on for now, and only peek at the future and the past. Little peeks, now and then. For now.
My niece Emma died when she was 11. When I feel sad or down, sometimes I think that I sort of owe it to Emma to focus on the good things and enjoy life, because otherwise I'd be wasting all these opportunities and experiences that she never got to have. I think she'd say to me - Aunt Lisa, so you had a bad day -- your'e still alive! You get another day tomorrow. I didn't get that, so, please, enjoy life and appreciate it for me. It's been five years since my parents' deaths. I experienced guilt when I started feeling better. But I really believe my mom and dad would not want me to stay unhappy for their sakes -- they'd want me to have as good a life as I can. From what you've written about them, it sounds like your dad and husband would tell you that, too. I hope that you can keep feeling a little better now and again, and wish you well getting through the dark times, too.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel, Suzy. I'm afraid of everything again. I don't know where Daddy and John are, I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I also don't want to make a mistake grieving either. I'm very, very glad you're doing okay, looking at right now. I'm going to try to remember to do that, too.
ReplyDeleteThank you Lisa and Betsy for your comments. You both are very supportive and I appreciate it.
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