Checking In

I haven't written in a while. I'm still enjoying living in the moment. Understatement, but, "doing grief work" is not pleasant. I would much rather spend my day simply living. However, I want to complete the process, and not get stuck, so I must keep working on it.

Daddy's request was for his ashes to be spread on Mt. Ida, Colorado. You have already seen what has been done with his ashes thus far. We still have some, and are very comforted by that. We are not ready to let him go. There is no reason for us to do that, until we are absolutely ready. No reason at all. Also, as you have already seen, we are not the only ones with some ashes. As per the wishes of Daddy's parents, some of them are buried in Alabama.

A few days ago, I got an email from Daddy's best friend, of over thirty years, that he had received some ashes in the mail. Twenty years ago, Daddy asked Larry to spread his ashes at the summit of Mt. Ida. They went camping, hiking, and photographing together there often. Larry sent an email to let  us know he had received some ashes and he would do his very best to spread them honorably. I am very sure he will do just that.

I have so many questions about how this transpired. Did Stacy initiate it? Did Larry initiate it? Why is Larry doing this alone? Did Stacy keep some of the ashes, or has she washed her hands of the whole thing? Is this something Larry wants to do, or feels obligated to do? How hard is it going to be to get it done? Many, many questions. Can I ask these questions of Larry? Or do I sit back and simply observe? Daddy was more than just a father. This is not only "our" loss. Stacy lost her husband, Linda and Doug lost their brother, and Larry lost his best friend. I feel like they also deserve to honor him in their own way, just as we deserve to. So, I guess I will just sit back and let Larry handle this part as he sees fit. I will not ask my questions, unless he invites me to.

It is so very hard picturing the moment when Larry lets the ashes go. But, Daddy died. There is no bringing him back. As much as we wish we could add water to the ashes, and bring him back, we can't. If only.

Don't worry, I haven't forgotten that I lost John as well. I still have everything of John's. Including all of his ashes. I have his guitars, wallet, glasses, clothes, all of the stuff from his truck, his tools, his passport, everything. His cell phone is still connected, although the battery is dead. I haven't even turned his phone on yet. I'm not disconnecting it until I am able to listen to his voice again, over and over and over and over..... I have to get  used to my "new normal" first.

I have two wishes. First, that both of them were still alive. Second, that I did not have to mourn both of them at the same time.