Mowing the grass

I had to mow our grass the other day. For the first time this year. Do you know how hard it is to start the lawn mower the first time of the season? Well, it is hard.

John was my mechanical god. He could fix anything. He always started the mower the first time. He knew how to drain the old gas, clean the spark plug, sharpen the blade. We would take turns mowing. He would do part of it, I would do part of it. It was a good work out for both of us. Neither one of us had to sit inside feeling guilty that the other one was out in the heat doing all the work.

When we were finished, we like to sit on the front porch and watch the world go by, and admire how nice our yard looked. We have five really big hydrangea bushes in front. We would baby those things. Prune, mulch, water. We would get maybe three blooms all year and be so proud. Since I have spent the majority of this year running away, the hydrangeas were neglected. In late May, I came home. The hydrangeas are the most beautiful I have seen them. I bet we have two hundred blooms. All colors, pink, blue, purple. Really big "mop head" blooms. Amazing.

Anyway, I now had to face taking care of the yard all by myself. No one to share the work, or the joy and relaxation. Not only is John not here to help, he is not here period. He never will be again. No more of the sharing. All of this is in my head when I think about mowing the fucking grass. Not only do I have to face the future without John, I have to start the fucking mower. (My anger is beginning to show.)

So, I prepare myself mentally. Then physically, making sure it is late enough in the day that I won't die of heat stroke, shaving my legs, finding my lawn mowing shoes, etc. I go out to the garage and there is no gas. Good thing I shaved my legs, cause now I have to go to the fucking store for gas. Another goddamn obstacle in this awful task.

I actually got the stupid mower to start!! I couldn't believe it. I did it, all by myself. Jes came outside and cheered for me. She had no doubts at all. She reminded me later that I took care of the house before I met John, and I could do it again.

I got it all mowed and sat out front trying to cool off. Drank three bottles of water, and talked on the phone. I normally would be sitting there with John. But, the yard still looked good, I had sisters to talk with on the phone, my neighbor Karen and I had a chat.

Life will go on. It just seems much harder now, and with a lot less joy.