Check Yourself

"Check yourself, before you wreck yourself."

Yesterday was a dark day. I was in my dark place. It started out ok, but I had to take care of business. Phone calls, mail, etc. I needed to run a couple of errands, but the thought of going out of the house, seeing people, kept me inside. Everything seems like a chore, an unpleasant chore. My patience is lacking. I used to feel like I had patience, until I met John. He was a very patient man, and compared to him, I had a long way to go. Apparently I have even further to go now.

Life felt so pointless yesterday. You're born, you live, you die. That's it. It happens every day. Some people get to live a good long time, others not so much. Some people suffer, others go like lightning. It seems like we are all just spinning our wheels until our time is up. We create material things, we consume, we dispose of everything somehow. We are basically here to make ourselves more comfortable. Then we die. The end. For everyone that dies, there is another one born, so the cycle goes. It seems pointless.

I haven't written in my private journal since I started this blog. But, I wrote in it last night. I felt the need to check myself, before I wreck myself. It didn't help much and I decided to go ahead and write a blog post today anyway. Publicly share my feelings. I'm not doing this so you can feel sorry for me. It is what it is. I am what I am. This is what it feels like when your world explodes. Before John died, I had visions of the future. I thought I knew what the rest of my life would look like. In an instant, the future, as I knew it, was erased. Start over, clean slate, blank slate. Reboot. Refresh.

I am currently stuck. I'm stuck for things to say. I'm stuck on what to do. The computer in my head is rebooting, and it is running VERY slow.